March 1, 2019

You


You’re on my mind every day
Whether I want you to be or not
Some part of me wants to be part of your life
Even though that part died a long time ago
And I don’t want to feel it again

We had our moments
Many of them filled with joy
But even those memories
Are tainted by an anger
And the pain that accompanied others

We tried to make it work
We did everything we could
We both gave up on each other
The love never ended
We just knew it wouldn’t happen

An ocean stood between us
Time was not on our side
We got too far ahead of ourselves
We held on to hope too tightly
Our dreams never made it to reality

I couldn’t give you what you wanted
Even though I tried
You gave me what I needed
Even though it wasn’t enough
We both fell short of the other’s expectations

The lessons were learned
It would be better if I could forget you
But that’s not what I want
This part of me will never die
And it never should


2-28-19

January 15, 2019

Enemy

You’re the enemy
Of someone who has very few
You’ve picked at my soul
Like a child picking at his food
And you wonder why the hunger remains
You are called ‘Love’, by some
There are those that swear by you
Believe in you
Believe in your promises
I am no longer one of them
‘Falling’ is the best word you have
We can’t see the bottom
Sometimes there is none
Sometimes it comes up too fast
Gravity is your best companion
‘Love’, ‘Amore’, whatever you are
You tease me
You want to kill me
And then expect me to breathe again
You don’t know what you’re asking
The knife gets slipped in the back again
You cut deeper and deeper
Between the ribs and to the heart
You leave me numb again and again
You make me think I can’t live without you
‘Love’, you make me blind
You are the pain that accompanies a sleepless night
You are the edge of desire
You are everything I will never have
You are God’s cruelest creation
You can not take away my hope
That is the most stubborn of all flames
You’re not strong enough to defeat me
But, ‘Love’, don’t come near me again
You won’t like what you see

1-10-19

Begin to Hope

I didn’t know you
I wasn’t planning on this
Meeting someone like you
But there you were
Like a flash of lightning in a storm
The most honest eyes
I have ever seen
The kindest, warmest soul
That I’ve ever encountered
Is this really happening?
I don’t know what to do now
I’m too used to disappointment
To being treated like a ghost
Or something to be used
I don’t want to repeat that with you
Are you going to be different?
You already are
Alone in a crowded room with you
The world just seemed to evaporate
All I needed there was you
What will happen between us
Is only for God to know
But for right now, just right now
I’ll let things happen
And I’ll begin to hope

1-5-19

July 19, 2018

Seasons

So many times
I wonder what you’re doing
The void between us
Has gotten wider and darker
And there’s nothing that can fill it

We used to bare our souls
We used to laugh together
To see each other through the darkness
But now all of that is gone
I don’t know how it happened

Life moves in seasons
Not everyone will be there for everyone
I wanted you to be there for a few more
But that wasn’t a part of your plans
Friendship was never permanent with you

I was never a part of your life
I now understand that clearly
I was a place for you to kill some time
While your journey continued
I was just as easily forgotten

If I turn this on myself
I see where I’ve done this to other people
Without meaning too
I’ve cast good people aside
It’s a shame we all carry

Let us not forget the people that touch our lives
If someone wants you to be in their lives
You both will find a way to stay there
Life will throw many disappoints at you
Friendship shouldn't be one of them

June 1, 2018

Take Me Home

None of this feels right
And it hasn’t for a long time
This state of mind is no longer healthy
I know what’s causing it
And I know what to do about it

I don’t know why I’ve been hesitating
This prison I’ve built for myself
The bars I’ve been living behind
Have been of my own making
The doors have been open this entire time

I want to go home
But home isn’t here anymore
It hasn’t been for a long time
Take me home
To the place I should’ve been all this time

I know where I need to be
I need to be there for you
So I can be a better person for you
I want to be happy for you
Even if we are not together

I don’t care if you are with me yet
I’m not asking you to be
The plans are set
Hope is on the horizon
The future will be ours

Fall and Rise

I have seen you
At your worst and your best
I have seen you fall and rise
I have seen you beat back the demons
And watch them scream as they run away

I have seen you plunge into
The darkest areas of your soul
And come out the other side
Shining brighter than before
I don’t know how you do it

I have seen on your face
Smiles of madness and joy
I’ve seen the spectrum
Of hope and despair
And the scars of battle

I’ve tried to be there for someone
Who doesn’t need anyone
I’ve watched with silent awe
And tried to support the hero
Of her own story

You don’t need anyone
You never have
I have seen a human being
Suffer more than anyone should
And not lose what makes them bright

You will fight until there is no fight left
I will be there no matter the outcome
Friendship means more than fighting battles
It’s seen in the reverie afterwards
And the enduring friendship that lasts through the ages

March 13, 2018

Reflection

What are we?
Are we all the same?
Do we all have the same thoughts?
Do we all dream the same dreams?
Or are we free to be ourselves?

You live your life
With reckless abandonment
Every moment is another moment
That you feel sorry for yourself
For all the wrong reasons

It’s what you don’t have
And what you are right now
There is no satisfaction
In constantly wanting more
You weren’t made to want more

You were made to want more for others
That’s where the satisfaction lies
Give of yourself even when it hurts
The face you look at in the mirror
Will thank you later

There will be those that abuse you
Those that take advantage of you
That face they see in the mirror
Will always look back at them with shame
With the reflection of all those they have hurt

Love is the future
If we want it to be
The darkness of the present moment
Is just the moment it’s supposed to be
All darkness will be defeated by daylight

I will not live in darkness
Although I have found myself there many times
It has only brought me loneliness and isolation
I will not be here much longer because the light is waiting
Will you be there with me?

March 6, 2018

All That I Can't Let Go

All that you wanted
Was all that I wanted to be
All that I ever wanted to feel
You helped me to feel
All that I never wanted to experience
I experienced with you

All that I had seen go before me
Went on between us
All that I knew that could happened
Happened with us
All the pain that I knew I would feel
You allowed me to feel

All that makes me feel about love today
Started with you
All that brings the fear into my mind
Was put there by you
All that should make me happy
Instead brings me sadness

All the dreams I thought I had
Flew away with you
All the hope that kept me going
Seemed to fade along with your love
All that I now think I am
Is tied to your memory

All that I can’t let go
Is from what we couldn’t finish
All that you wanted us to be
We never could be
All that we should be doing together
I will now do without you

February 28, 2018

Hope

Every moment of stress
Every setback
Every tear that falls
Every angry shout
Every moment of doubt

Every desire for isolation
Every time I push someone away
Every time I don’t pick up the phone
Every word I do not say
Every moment of regret

Every feeling of fatigue
Every moment of guilt
Every empty feeling
Every rejection
Every second that feels wasted

Everything that is building but not growing
Everything inside is a churning fire
Everything around me feels alien
Everyone that gives me an empty stare
Every word that wanted to be spoken

This is not a failure
This is not my future
This is not my home
Every fire that burns
Clears the way for a new forest

Hope is not my friend
Hope is what keeps me here
Hope is what keeps the illusions running
Hope is all that I have left
I believe in hope

February 13, 2018

Cold

We only get a moment in time
To live the life we’re supposed to live
To do things we want to do
To say the things we want to say
It’s never enough for any of us

There’s a chill in my heart right now
That’s can’t be warmed by anyone
Including you
The nights are cold without you
But to be with you would make me melt

I don’t know if I can trust you
I don’t know if I want to trust you
They betrayals and disappointments
Have put up a wall that guards my soul
But keeps out the happiness I desire

I’m not a part of your life right now
I don’t know if I want to be
What you want is more than I can give
My soul is longing for an escape
Maybe you are that escape

I want to know the depths of you
I’m not interested in the surface
You are more than your angelic beauty
You soul and your being light up the world
That no amount of darkness can contain

If we are meant to be something
It won’t be up to me
I’ve tried to much and failed too many times
Let God decide if we are meant to be together
You’ll be worth it, whatever happens