February 13, 2018

Cold

We only get a moment in time
To live the life we’re supposed to live
To do things we want to do
To say the things we want to say
It’s never enough for any of us

There’s a chill in my heart right now
That’s can’t be warmed by anyone
Including you
The nights are cold without you
But to be with you would make me melt

I don’t know if I can trust you
I don’t know if I want to trust you
They betrayals and disappointments
Have put up a wall that guards my soul
But keeps out the happiness I desire

I’m not a part of your life right now
I don’t know if I want to be
What you want is more than I can give
My soul is longing for an escape
Maybe you are that escape

I want to know the depths of you
I’m not interested in the surface
You are more than your angelic beauty
You soul and your being light up the world
That no amount of darkness can contain

If we are meant to be something
It won’t be up to me
I’ve tried to much and failed too many times
Let God decide if we are meant to be together
You’ll be worth it, whatever happens

February 6, 2018

Home


I don’t know who you are anymore
I don’t know if I’ve ever known you at all
You don’t understand me
You’re not supposed to
You’re not supposed to understand anyone

I need to get away from you
So I can see you for what you really are
All I can see now is all you’ve ever been
A light in the evening sky
That always calls me back

You don’t want me to leave
Every time I want to
You show me that you want me to stay
But everything that you’ve shown me recently
Makes me think you want me to go

Every prayer for love from you
Comes back with rejection
You’re so much colder
Than the winds that swirl around my house
But you can be as warm as the Summer

I need to fly away from you
To see if I still need you
Even though I know I don’t need you anymore
You’re not my home anymore
But you’ve never been a prison either

I can’t help but love you
But I don’t want to be with you right now
If there’s a place for me in this world
It’s not with you
It’s time to find it somewhere else

1-29-18

Entrapment

I didn’t want you
That much I know
You made it impossible to not want you
Between your eyes and your smile
It was entrapment

You drew me in
With a breath and a voice
That ate away at my soul
You didn’t know it was doing that
You still don’t know

You bring out a side of me
I don’t want to bring out
I don’t want anyone to ever see
It’s a side that’s never done me any good
And it didn’t do mean good this time

You knew what you were doing
I don’t know if you were real
I know that I didn’t feel real around you
I never got to touch you
I didn’t want too

You made my armor stronger
You made me not care anymore
I will not allow anyone in like that anymore
Because of you
My heart and my mind have made peace with each other

2-18-2018

November 21, 2017

Why Do I Even Care?

What is on your mind?
Where are your thoughts at?
Do you think about me or am I being selfish again?
Your eyes say more than your mouth does
But why do I even care?

You're not real
I don't know who you are
I want to talk to you
But you don’t even know I exist
But why do I even care?

You’re a mirage
Something that’s not what it appears to be
You’re never going to be
What I see in my dreams
But why do I even care?

Thoughts like this
Have made me crazy before
I have to fight them hard this time
Because I know what they will bring
But why do I even care?

Love has only brought me disappointment
Jealousy, fear, and suspicion
The worst takes over before the best even has a chance
Hope fades but never disappears
But why do I even care?

Solitude has always been my favorite companion
I can get along without you just fine for right now
The future will be brighter
I have to have faith in that or I will fade away

But why do I even care?

November 17, 2017

Where We Are

Why do we wait for things to happen?
It's as if we expect the universe to give us
What we rightly think is ours
We get from this life
What we decide to put into it

Expectations
Anticipations
Dreams without movement
All lead to disappointment
All lead to heartbreak

I just want people to be who they are
They don't have to pretend with me
I will decide for myself
If you are worth the space in my mind
And you will do the same with me

I no longer live a life of expecting things
To go the way I want them to
There's strength in there but there's also weakness
Trust becomes difficult
Love becomes that much more elusive

'The world will decide. The world always decides'
We are here to protect, love, and care for each other
Anything less shames us all
We don't have the time or the memory for anything else

Let's try this for once

11-15-17

October 29, 2017

Fly

If I could fly away
I would take to the air
Without thinking about it
And leave the life I know here
To be with you or to be somewhere else
All I need is a reason

To live each day
A short distance from the place
Where I took my first breath
Is a constant reminder
Of the chances not taken
Of the adventures that still await
You don't know what this does to my soul

I see an endless universe in front of me
I have no fear of exploring its wonders
That first step is always the scariest
Time is not my friend anymore
It's a reminder and a weight
It's given me the motivation to change

I will leave you far behind if necessary
Not everyone will agree with the decision
I want to leave to help you as much as myself
We need to live without each other for a while
You will always be my home and shelter
I do not regret going to you
But I do regret coming home

The future has not always been kind to me
But I'm taking it for myself now
I'm not listening to the restless voices in my mind anymore
They've never given me any advice that's been helpful
I have to trust the unknown and be careful
Will you join me on this journey?
Or will you leave me behind as you always have?
We all have our choices to make

10-27-17

October 28, 2016

Anymore

I’ve been looking for you so for long
I think I’ve exhausted everything else
If you’re out there somewhere
You’re not waiting for me anymore
Any more than I’m waiting for you

I’m so tired of wasting desires
On people who don’t care about me
I’ve wasted affections
On too many women
I think I’ve finally reached the end

I know what I want now
I know now that’s asking too much
Don’t bother asking me what that is
I’ve been used too many times
To care anymore

You can only give yourself enough
Before you realize that those you give yourself too
Don’t want to give anything back to you
I’ve given up on trying
There’s no reason for it anymore

If you are out there
I’ll probably be too blind to see you
I can’t promise you anything
I don’t want to promise anything
Make me realize that you’re with the pain


10-28-16

September 25, 2016

The Other Side of the Mirror

I’ve been searching all of my life
For someone who I can connect with
Someone who understands my soul
Someone who I give them everything I am
But that someone doesn’t exist

It’s taken me a long time to understand that
There is no one out there for me
I may have seen glimpses of what it’s like
But that’s all it was
A look from the other side of the mirror

I don’t know why I’ve been kept from this
I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this
A life of solitude and a life of longing
I’ve gone beyond caring about it anymore
Why should it even concern me anymore?

I’ve been within reach of it only to lose it
I couldn’t hold on to it, no matter what I did
I’ve had my heart and soul used
I don’t deserve anything that hasn’t been given to me
But why I’ve been denied me is the real mystery

I know the part I’ve played in all of this
I’m not the one anybody needs or deserves
I’m not the prince or the hero
I’m not asking for sympathy
I don’t know what I’m asking for anymore

If this this is the life I’m supposed to leave
Then I can live with that
Its okay, it’s alright
I don’t care anymore
If this is where I’m supposed to be

I’ve been here for so long
I don’t know what any other path looks like
If there is someone that thinks I can be their prince
Then I can be anything they want me to be
If not, then I can be what I’ve always been


9-25-16

August 30, 2016

Far Ahead

Maybe I should tell you
What happens whenever I look at you
Not that it would matter to you
But I’m not really sure
That it would matter to me either

I don’t know what to do
About something I know will never happen
It’s a curse upon myself
That I will never lift
And I don’t even care anymore if it does

I’ve gotten used to being alone
It doesn’t matter anymore
If that’s the way my life will turn out
I can’t see that far ahead anymore
I don’t even want to try

Not that any of that matters to you
It doesn’t really matter if it does anyways
You have your own dreams and your own life
I don’t see myself as being any part of it
The path’s we’re taking will never come together

Whether or not I will be a part of someone’s life
Will always be up to them and never up to me
It’ll take a miracle to convince me otherwise
I don’t believe in miracles anymore
Except for the ones we make for ourselves


8-30-16

May 23, 2016

Hero

I don’t know what to say when I’m around you
It’s not that I’m nervous and can’t speak
That’s the first time I can say that
It’s just that I don’t know if you’re listening
And I don’t really know if you can

I can’t be what you want me to be right now
That much is obvious to me
And it’s evident in the way we are together
I’m just there to make you smile
And I guess that’ll have to be enough

I don’t know if I can ever be what you want
I don’t even know if that’s even desirable
How much of myself I would lose in the process
Would destroy me or build me up
And I can’t say what option is better

I see a beauty and an intelligence there
When it’s sometimes lost to you
It’s always there and I never miss it
But I don’t know if that even matters
If we’re from two different worlds

You need a hero and I’ve never been one
You need someone to hold you at all hours
And I can’t do that right now
You need someone to be there for you
All I can do is listen and hope

Maybe there will be a future for us some day
Maybe will just wind up being the closest of friends
I’ll just have to settle for that if that’s what the future holds
I’ll try to be there for you whenever I can, even it’s not enough
It’s all I can ever do for you


5-23-16