July 19, 2018

Seasons

So many times
I wonder what you’re doing
The void between us
Has gotten wider and darker
And there’s nothing that can fill it

We used to bare our souls
We used to laugh together
To see each other through the darkness
But now all of that is gone
I don’t know how it happened

Life moves in seasons
Not everyone will be there for everyone
I wanted you to be there for a few more
But that wasn’t a part of your plans
Friendship was never permanent with you

I was never a part of your life
I now understand that clearly
I was a place for you to kill some time
While your journey continued
I was just as easily forgotten

If I turn this on myself
I see where I’ve done this to other people
Without meaning too
I’ve cast good people aside
It’s a shame we all carry

Let us not forget the people that touch our lives
If someone wants you to be in their lives
You both will find a way to stay there
Life will throw many disappoints at you
Friendship shouldn't be one of them

June 1, 2018

Take Me Home

None of this feels right
And it hasn’t for a long time
This state of mind is no longer healthy
I know what’s causing it
And I know what to do about it

I don’t know why I’ve been hesitating
This prison I’ve built for myself
The bars I’ve been living behind
Have been of my own making
The doors have been open this entire time

I want to go home
But home isn’t here anymore
It hasn’t been for a long time
Take me home
To the place I should’ve been all this time

I know where I need to be
I need to be there for you
So I can be a better person for you
I want to be happy for you
Even if we are not together

I don’t care if you are with me yet
I’m not asking you to be
The plans are set
Hope is on the horizon
The future will be ours

Fall and Rise

I have seen you
At your worst and your best
I have seen you fall and rise
I have seen you beat back the demons
And watch them scream as they run away

I have seen you plunge into
The darkest areas of your soul
And come out the other side
Shining brighter than before
I don’t know how you do it

I have seen on your face
Smiles of madness and joy
I’ve seen the spectrum
Of hope and despair
And the scars of battle

I’ve tried to be there for someone
Who doesn’t need anyone
I’ve watched with silent awe
And tried to support the hero
Of her own story

You don’t need anyone
You never have
I have seen a human being
Suffer more than anyone should
And not lose what makes them bright

You will fight until there is no fight left
I will be there no matter the outcome
Friendship means more than fighting battles
It’s seen in the reverie afterwards
And the enduring friendship that lasts through the ages

March 13, 2018

Reflection

What are we?
Are we all the same?
Do we all have the same thoughts?
Do we all dream the same dreams?
Or are we free to be ourselves?

You live your life
With reckless abandonment
Every moment is another moment
That you feel sorry for yourself
For all the wrong reasons

It’s what you don’t have
And what you are right now
There is no satisfaction
In constantly wanting more
You weren’t made to want more

You were made to want more for others
That’s where the satisfaction lies
Give of yourself even when it hurts
The face you look at in the mirror
Will thank you later

There will be those that abuse you
Those that take advantage of you
That face they see in the mirror
Will always look back at them with shame
With the reflection of all those they have hurt

Love is the future
If we want it to be
The darkness of the present moment
Is just the moment it’s supposed to be
All darkness will be defeated by daylight

I will not live in darkness
Although I have found myself there many times
It has only brought me loneliness and isolation
I will not be here much longer because the light is waiting
Will you be there with me?

March 6, 2018

All That I Can't Let Go

All that you wanted
Was all that I wanted to be
All that I ever wanted to feel
You helped me to feel
All that I never wanted to experience
I experienced with you

All that I had seen go before me
Went on between us
All that I knew that could happened
Happened with us
All the pain that I knew I would feel
You allowed me to feel

All that makes me feel about love today
Started with you
All that brings the fear into my mind
Was put there by you
All that should make me happy
Instead brings me sadness

All the dreams I thought I had
Flew away with you
All the hope that kept me going
Seemed to fade along with your love
All that I now think I am
Is tied to your memory

All that I can’t let go
Is from what we couldn’t finish
All that you wanted us to be
We never could be
All that we should be doing together
I will now do without you

February 28, 2018

Hope

Every moment of stress
Every setback
Every tear that falls
Every angry shout
Every moment of doubt

Every desire for isolation
Every time I push someone away
Every time I don’t pick up the phone
Every word I do not say
Every moment of regret

Every feeling of fatigue
Every moment of guilt
Every empty feeling
Every rejection
Every second that feels wasted

Everything that is building but not growing
Everything inside is a churning fire
Everything around me feels alien
Everyone that gives me an empty stare
Every word that wanted to be spoken

This is not a failure
This is not my future
This is not my home
Every fire that burns
Clears the way for a new forest

Hope is not my friend
Hope is what keeps me here
Hope is what keeps the illusions running
Hope is all that I have left
I believe in hope

February 13, 2018

Cold

We only get a moment in time
To live the life we’re supposed to live
To do things we want to do
To say the things we want to say
It’s never enough for any of us

There’s a chill in my heart right now
That’s can’t be warmed by anyone
Including you
The nights are cold without you
But to be with you would make me melt

I don’t know if I can trust you
I don’t know if I want to trust you
They betrayals and disappointments
Have put up a wall that guards my soul
But keeps out the happiness I desire

I’m not a part of your life right now
I don’t know if I want to be
What you want is more than I can give
My soul is longing for an escape
Maybe you are that escape

I want to know the depths of you
I’m not interested in the surface
You are more than your angelic beauty
You soul and your being light up the world
That no amount of darkness can contain

If we are meant to be something
It won’t be up to me
I’ve tried to much and failed too many times
Let God decide if we are meant to be together
You’ll be worth it, whatever happens

February 6, 2018

Home


I don’t know who you are anymore
I don’t know if I’ve ever known you at all
You don’t understand me
You’re not supposed to
You’re not supposed to understand anyone

I need to get away from you
So I can see you for what you really are
All I can see now is all you’ve ever been
A light in the evening sky
That always calls me back

You don’t want me to leave
Every time I want to
You show me that you want me to stay
But everything that you’ve shown me recently
Makes me think you want me to go

Every prayer for love from you
Comes back with rejection
You’re so much colder
Than the winds that swirl around my house
But you can be as warm as the Summer

I need to fly away from you
To see if I still need you
Even though I know I don’t need you anymore
You’re not my home anymore
But you’ve never been a prison either

I can’t help but love you
But I don’t want to be with you right now
If there’s a place for me in this world
It’s not with you
It’s time to find it somewhere else

1-29-18

Entrapment

I didn’t want you
That much I know
You made it impossible to not want you
Between your eyes and your smile
It was entrapment

You drew me in
With a breath and a voice
That ate away at my soul
You didn’t know it was doing that
You still don’t know

You bring out a side of me
I don’t want to bring out
I don’t want anyone to ever see
It’s a side that’s never done me any good
And it didn’t do mean good this time

You knew what you were doing
I don’t know if you were real
I know that I didn’t feel real around you
I never got to touch you
I didn’t want too

You made my armor stronger
You made me not care anymore
I will not allow anyone in like that anymore
Because of you
My heart and my mind have made peace with each other

2-18-2018

November 21, 2017

Why Do I Even Care?

What is on your mind?
Where are your thoughts at?
Do you think about me or am I being selfish again?
Your eyes say more than your mouth does
But why do I even care?

You're not real
I don't know who you are
I want to talk to you
But you don’t even know I exist
But why do I even care?

You’re a mirage
Something that’s not what it appears to be
You’re never going to be
What I see in my dreams
But why do I even care?

Thoughts like this
Have made me crazy before
I have to fight them hard this time
Because I know what they will bring
But why do I even care?

Love has only brought me disappointment
Jealousy, fear, and suspicion
The worst takes over before the best even has a chance
Hope fades but never disappears
But why do I even care?

Solitude has always been my favorite companion
I can get along without you just fine for right now
The future will be brighter
I have to have faith in that or I will fade away

But why do I even care?