All That Can't Be Said...

How Can I...

2012-02-15T00:49:00.000-08:00

You've given more than anyone else
You've bared your soul for me
You've made me believe in love
And given me reason to believe in my self
When I am surrounded by doubts

How can I show you
The love I have for you?
How can I demonstrate
The peace you've given to my soul?
There is no real way to do that

I'd have to take you around the world
I'd have to build you a castle
There's no way I can show you
The effect you've had on me
But I can try

I'll always love you
I'd rather jump of a cliff
Then hurt you in any way
I want to be part of your family
And I want you to be part of mine

All that you have done
All that you have shown me
All that you have made me believe
When I thought I couldn't believe in anymore
Would take several lifetimes to repay

2-15-12

Beautiful Swan...

2012-02-13T01:41:00.000-08:00

I tell you you're beautiful
And you tell me to shush
I tell you that you're amazing
And you say you're not
It's like you don't believe me

I tell you that you look incredible
Your hand's hands go to your face
I don't know what happened to you
To make you think you are the ugly duckling
But to me you are a beautiful swan

I want to show you somehow
Just how beautiful you are
How much you are loved
How much people care for you
How much I love you

You have a smile
That calms the storms in my heart
A voice that gives me chills
A body that hypnotizes me
And you still think you're not attractive

If I have to spend my entire life
Showing you what a goddess you are
Than that's what it'll have to be
You won't make it easy
But it'll be worth it just being with you

2-13-12

Answers...

2012-02-10T02:32:00.000-08:00

I'm gazing at your picture
For the millionth time
Tracing every inch of your face
I can feel your skin
But you're still so far away

I want to kiss your lips
Taste your sweetness
Feel your breath on my face
And I know I can't right now
And it's killing me
We talk all the time about
What we're going to do
Once we see each other
Will we faint or will be be dangerous?
I think we both know the answer to this

I want you badly
And that's something I've never said before
I can taste what it'll be like with you
But I can't grasp it right now
But I'll hold it in a vice grip when I do

You are the most important part of my life
You've already taught me a lot about my self
I want to know everything about you
And I want to taste every part of you
I know we can get there some day

2-10-12

Awakened My Soul...

2012-02-06T13:23:00.000-08:00

Another night without you
It's cold and your not there to warm me
The nights are getting longer
And my patience is running thinner
I don't why I still feel like this

I want to shout your name from the rooftops
Tell the whole world that I love you
Scream to everyone I know about you
But I know I can't and I shouldn't right now
And it's killing me that I can't

You've touched a part of me
That I thought was numb and dead
You've awakened my soul
And given me a gift I can not repay
I will always love you, even if you stop loving me

It still worries me
That someone else will sweep you off your feet
That someone else will get to you before me
The thought of it kills me
And you've given me no reason to think that

I would do anything to be with you
I would cross any distance
I'm already carrying the burden
Of being here without you
And that's the heaviest weight of all

2-6-12

You Are...

2012-01-29T01:30:00.000-08:00

You are my reason to dream
You are the one who gives me hope
You are the one who made me believe
I can't get you outta my head
You are there every second of every day

How you came into my life
Is a story of chance and longing
It happened as I never thought it could
You were hiding from me
And now I don't want to lose sight of you

All of these things I've told you before
I've told you how beautiful you are
And you don't believe me
I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life
Showing you how wonderful you really are

You are the reason I can't sleep at night
You don't give me a moment's rest
I want to understand all of you
All I ever want to do now
Is show you how much you make me happy

1-30-12

One Source of Light

2012-01-28T02:59:00.000-08:00

My life has taken bizarre turns lately
Didn't see any of this coming
Although the signs were clear sometimes
You were the biggest suprise of them all
I just didn't expect to fall for you

The darkness continues to surround me
Mostly of my own making
Not taking responsibility when I should've
You've become the one source of light
I can't get you outta my head

You've given me the biggest reason
To wake up in the morning
And stare the demons back down
You're the goal I have to achieve
I can't see going anywhere else

We will see these battles through
And be there when the victory flag is raised
It doesn't matter how far down I go now
You are always there for me
And now you have all of me

1-28-12

The Desire in Your Eyes

2012-01-27T03:24:00.000-08:00

I'm lying beside you
Your hand is on my chest
We've done what we've been wanting to do
For what seems like forever
And I can't get the smile off my face

I feel the desire in your eyes
I hear your voice echoing in my ears
I feel your breath on my skin
I feel you nibble my shoulders
I taste the sweetness of your lips

You were everything I imagined you'd be
Soft and giving, you knew what you wanted
You didn't dissapoint
You're an angel
You were the goddess I knew you would be

You did everything you said you would
We almost couldn't stop ourselves
We almost started the fire right there
You deserved a knight
I just hoped I was everything you needed

All I've been dreaming about is coming true
The woman that I have been waiting for is here
It took longer than I wanted to get to her
But all the risks paid off
All I want now, all I ever want anymore is you

1-27-12

When the Fire is Over....

2012-01-27T03:04:00.000-08:00

You've touched me in ways
That I still can't explain
There's no way to explain
What you mean to me
Even from so far away

You've told me things
You've done things
That no other woman ever has
I don't know how you got a hold of me
But I don't want to let you go

We're going through changes in our lives
And all we can talk about
Is what we'll do when we're together
When the fire is finally over
Will we still be together?

I can't see that far in the future
But if where we've been now
Is any indication of where I want to go
Then may God give the strength
To see you on the other side

1-27-12

All We Can Do...

2012-01-23T15:10:00.000-08:00

It happened
It happened in a way I didn't think was possible
A way I never thought was possible
But it happened
And I'm now that much closer to Heaven

She said the words I've never heard
Words I've felt and never spoken
She's made me feel things
That were either elusive or false before
And it happened faster than I thought it could

I can't be there to show her
What those words have done to me
It's making my Hell easier to deal with
It's calmed my soul
I'd do anything to be with her right now

She has her problems that
Are nothing compared to mine
She's fighting her battles and I am fighting mine
All we can do is be there for each other
And hope there's something left when the smoke settles

I want to be with her after all this
I want to spend the rest of my life
Making her smile, making her happy
All because of what she said to me
"I love you"

1-23-12

Let the Rain Fall...

2012-01-21T10:43:00.000-08:00

Outside, the rain is falling
The time and the moment
We knew was coming has arrived
We both knew the consequences
Of where this would take us
And I know I'm ready for it

There's only the lingering doubts
Of too many false starts
Too many unfulfilled promises
Too many elusive dreams
But she is no longer a dream

I know this is real
It feels to goddamn good not to be
She's done things for me
That no woman has before
I just hope I'm worth her efforts

I want to be her knight
She deserves nothing less
She's patiently waiting for me
But am I worth the wait?
I'll only find out when I am in her arms

This is only the beginning
We'll have to fight battles together
Cross oceans and face down even more storms
But to be with her, the woman I love, I can only say
Let the rain fall

1-21-12

Carried Away

2012-01-19T00:28:00.000-08:00

Her skin is wet
Her clothes cling to her body
She's the most beautiful thing
He''s ever seen in his life
She's dancing for him

They weren't supposed to be out this late
The clouds in the sky
Were suppose to make the day short
But they got carried away with each other
As they always do

Every day with her has been an adventure
They've gone places he can only imagine
She's shown him the kind of life
That he's only ever dreamed of
And he'd do anything to keep that life

They take their time getting home
Holding hands
Splashing in puddles
Even dancing together
They know the warm house is waiting

They finally get home
The warmness of the house greets them
They're taking off each other's wet clothes
They're holding each other by the fire
Heaven has found them and they will never let it go

1-19-12

Dancing in the Rain

2012-01-19T00:19:00.000-08:00

I wanna see you
Dancing in the rain
I want to be with you
Through all the storms in your life
Even the ones I cause

I want to be there
To hold you in my arms
And tell you everything's alright
Even though I know
What a struggle it is some times

I'll go through whatever hell there is
Just to be in Heaven with you
You've heard me say this a million times before
But I don't care anymore
I say them a million times more if you believe me

You deserve nothing but the best
From me and from everyone else
You haven't got that yet
And that really makes me angry
Makes we want to try that much harder

You are all that matters to me now
You are the light at the end of my tunnel
I will be there when I can
And I will fight whatever battles I have to
To get to you

1-19-12

All That You Have Done...

2012-01-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

I've had faith in you always
Since I was a kid
I've tried to walk your path
Sometimes on the side of the road
But always with an eye on the goal

You've given me life
You've given me people who love me
You've now given me a reason
To once again believe in something
I thought was forever lost

The road ahead is never easy
Not for any of us
It's what we do with the choices presented
That determines our fate
We can blame no one but ourselves

All that you have done
Is pointed me in the right way
And the path I currently find myself on
Is leading me towards someone
Who I hope will be the light I have been looking for

It might be wrong to hold on to hope
But it's how I choose to deal with it
And if I can follow through on it
I'll finally find the angel
You promised me long ago

1-17-12

Time and Faith

2012-01-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

Another morning without you
Wanting to feel the warmth of your touch
Looking beside me
And knowing you're not here
Is becoming an excercise in depression

You think there could be someone else
Who could take the place you now occupy
I think the same things about you sometimes
There's no one else who could do what you do to me
I have to learn to have faith in that

The more I write here
The more I want the future to be now
I don't want to imagine anymore
What life with you will be like
I want to start living it

It'll take time to do that
And we have all the time we need
That isn't the problem
The problem is having the patience
That we will be with each other

You are all I've ever wanted
There's no other way to say it
I will find a way to you
Might take me longer than expected
But I will be in your arms some day

1-17-12

A Piece of My Soul....

2012-01-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

I've made mistakes with you
I make mistakes with everybody
Underestimating the impact of my words
And not taking seriously what their trying to say
It's caused it's share of damage before

You said things to me
That no one has ever dared say
It makes me wonder how real they are
Although by this point
I shouldn't be questioning that anymore

I wanna get to you
Find out how much of what you say is real
You're the most sincere person I know
But everyone hides things
Even from those they know they don't have to

I want to know if everything we've talked about
Can actually happen
I want to feel your skin
I want to hear your laugh
I want to share your dreams

It's gonna take all that I am to do that
It'll cost me a piece of my soul
But to find myself locked in your arms
Will be worth that price
Evcen if I have to lose my mind

1-16-12

Rising to the Surface

2012-01-16T14:54:00.000-08:00

You keep me at a distance
Always wanting more
I don't understand why you do it
Am I not saying the right things?
Or have I said too much?

You're not giving me any reason
To doubt how you feel
It's my insecurites rising to the surface
It's a problem we both share
We both have our demons to face down

The way you doubt yourself
And the things you say about yourself
Don't make any sense to me
I understand where they come from
But it drives me up the wall because you're not like that

Looking at the face I see in the mirror
I don't see what you see
I'm not as confident as I should be
Even though I'm starting to be that with you
I know it's not what you want to hear

Maybe I'm helping you through these changes
Will I be there on the other side with you?
I want to be, but only God can see that far
If I'm not, if I'm only traveling with you that far
I only want you to know what you have done to me
And what you have meant to me

1-16-12

Complete the Story...

2012-01-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

Lying here in the dark
The same thoughts roll over my mind
Wishing that somehow she was here
Wanting to smell her skin
My mind is lost again in it's imagination

There's an undeniable level of guilt
When I think about what has to happen
To make our fantasies reality
Knowing the pain that it will cause
Especially to those who can't understand it

I want to see my Queen
More than anything in my life right now
She's the reason I still cling to hope
I want to be a better person for her
I still believe that all this is possible

She's given me a reason to want to things
That I never thought of before
And if I did
It was only in recesses of my dreams
And it was gone with the light of the next morning

I'll be with her some day
We will find out if everything we've been talking about
Is for nothing, was only just fantasies
Or if we were willing to follow through
And complete the story we've started

1-16-12

The Knight and the Queen

2012-01-14T02:48:00.000-08:00

He sees her from across the hall
Her dress sparkles in the moonlight
She looks like something from a dream
Except that in this knight's dreams
She isn't crying

He walks over to her slowly
He doesn't wish to disturb her
Just to find out what is troubling her
She looks at him, their eyes meet
And their souls connect

She wipes the tears from her eyes
As he approaches her
He says something soft to her
Her smile returns to her face
And the night seems brighter

He takes the hankerchief from her
And wipes her tears
He asks his Queen what troubles her
He vows to fix whatever ails her
She takes his hand and tells him he just did

The moonlight captures her eyes
He's never seen anything so beautiful in his life
He tells her she'll never have to cry again
She pulls him in and their lips meet
His hand goes behind her back and he pulls her in

She knows the price of what she's doing
But she wants to be with this knight forever
He knows the battles he will have to fight
Having been through more hell than any two people should have
This Knight and this Queen deserve a happily ever after

1-14-12

No One...

2012-01-14T02:03:00.000-08:00

Sitting here alone again
Dreaming of your touch
What'll finally happen
When we finally see each other
Scares and excites me

You think that there could be someone else
You don't know how much you've captured me
No one else could excite me like this
Or leave me as breathless as you do
I don't want there to be anyone else

I'm gonna show you
That what I'm telling you is true
You say it's just you
But being so far away from you
I can understand where it comes from

There's no one else
That could ever talk to me the way you do
No one that I would want to talk to like this
You've brought out a side of me that was hidden
But is only a side I'm going to show you

You've changed me
And it's something that I've wanted to happen
For a long time now and you've done it
If it takes the rest of my life to show you
Then that's all the time that I'll have to use

1-14-12

A Lifetime Away

2012-01-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

A moment of clarity
A way to see clearly
When all you've been seeing is darkness
She says a few words to you
And your soul feels like it's healing

I've been lost without you
I don't know how to describe it
I've only heard your voice once
Only had the chance to gaze at you once
And it's been the happiest I've ever felt

I can't do anything more
Any more than I already have
To show you how I feel
How much I want to hold you
Show you what you've done to me

I'm still lost
Because you're not here to see any of this
And I'm not there to take you in my arms
I will be some day
But that day seems like a lifetime away

When we do finally see each other
It'll be the moment we've been dreaming about
It won't be a test, it'll be a moment of revelation
This is where we are supposed to be
And it's gonna be this perfect for the rest of our lives.

1-13-12

Armor

2012-01-12T00:23:00.001-08:00

I'm lying here beside a Queen
Her bare arm is draped over mine
She's sleeping softly
Her leg rubbing against mine
As she dreams
How did I ever get so lucky?

She contacted me this afternoon
I hadn't heard from her all day
We're at the forefront of each other's minds
And it was unusual not to hear from her like this
But there it was, staring back at me from the screen
A single message, "I'm here!"

My heart stopped
Did she really mean it?
Did she really take that leap?
Was she really doing this for me?
Was I ready to finally hold my Queen?
Or was I going to dissapoint her?

I asked where she was
I knew the location
It was real, it was finally real
I couldn't get out there fast enough
I wished I could've flown
But I needed time to think

I rehearsed what I would do
Even though I knew it was foolish
It needed to just flow
We both had been waiting for this moment
At times thinking that it would never happen
But now it was, the dream was finally coming true

I found her room
I've seen this place so often
But it's like I've never seen it before
I find her room number
I'm standing at her doora nd I hear nothing
Besides my heart beatting madly

The door opens, she's standing in front of me
She's the goddess I'd been imagining
All I can do is smile and mumble, "Hi."
As expected, her hands go to her face as she smiles
I move towards her, raising my hands
And pulling hers gently away from her face

Her smile melts my soul
Whatever we've gone through so far
Was worth it all for that first moment
She's finally able to say, "Hi."
Her voice reverberates in my skull
All other sounds disappear

Our hands fall
I lean in to kiss her, her lips are soft
My breath leaves my body
Her hands grab my jacket and pulls it off
My armor hits the floor
And she has all of me

I push her gently back towards the bed
I pick her up, I can't get enough of her
I lay her down on the bed
She pulls at my shirt
Her hand touches my bare skin
My entire body warms at her touch

She's the angel God promised me
She touches me in ways that I've never dreamed
She was afraid of dissapointing me
She still doesn't know how impossible that is
I can tell that she's feeling the same
If the smile on her face is any indication

She's sleeping now
The sun makes it's appearance through the windoiw
My life as I know it has changed
It changed from thet first moment before we met
From that first revelation, that first moment of truth
And there's no going back from this

I want to show her that I am her knight
She no longer has anything to fear
Even if it kills me, however much of my blood is required
She is my everything now, I want to be with her forever
She is my Queen, and I will serve her forever

1-11-12

Unknown

2012-01-12T00:18:00.000-08:00

The hallway is dark
Longer than he imagined
Her door is at the end of the hall
Like a thousand B-Movies he's seen
Every heartbeat brings him closer

He's standing in front of the door
Every pore on his body is sweating
He knocks on the door
He hears soft footsteps behind it
The door open, and everything in him stops

She's an angel
Her hair flows around her shoulders like water
Her eyes scan him, not sure if he's real
Her white robes drape over her delicate body
A soft hand reaches out and touches his shoulder

She looks up at him, with a breathtaking smile
She pulls him into the room
It doesn't take much effort
He's now under her spell
He's feeling her arms

His hands reach her hips
Her arms coil themselves around his neck
Their eyes meet, two worlds collide
Their lips touch softly, breathlessly
Her arms tighten

His hands slide to her back
He feels as if all of God's promises have been fulfilled
He takes her onto the bed, her hair falls back
He kisses her neck
Her breath leaves her body

The moment of ecstasy has arrived
Two souls have finally connected
They've waited so long for this
They know what each other wants
And as he feels as if heaven has come to Earth

He hears her whisper softly in his ear, “I love you.”
She's sleeping now, her hair is all around him
She is his entire world
She's the angel he was promised
He'll never let her go

1-12-12

No Denying...

2012-01-11T00:50:00.000-08:00

There's questions
That've been pulling at my heart
For a long time now
It's understandable given the situation
And it's a healthy question to ask

Is my heart getting ahead of my heard again?
Am I going with feelings that aren't real again?
Does she feel the same way as I do?
Why should I even care if she does
If she's not even here to show me how she feels?

It wouldn't be the first time I've been here
Last time I was here, I didn't see the danger coming
This time I'm far enough away too see it
But I still feel so much closer to the dream then before
What am I supposed to be doing here?

There's no denying how she makes me feel
I don't want anyone else
But am I saving my love for a dream?
Or am I wating for a nightmare and don't know it?
There's no way I can possibly tell

She says things to me
No one has ever said to me before
I'd love to hear her voice as she says them
But I can't right now, I can't for a while
And it's driving me mad

She doesn't know what this does to me
I hope she will someday
I don't know what this is doing to her
I'll either wake up to a dream come true or a nightmare
To see her would be worth either one

1-11-12

Home

2012-01-10T20:34:00.000-08:00

This place
No longer feels like home
There's no escaping that anymore
I know where my home is now
And it's far away from here

A home is where you feel wanted
Where you feel like you belong
Where you feel loved and honored
I haven't felt way in a long time
I'm starting to feel that with you

It's my fault if I don't feel this way
And nobody else's
I've been here long enough to call it home
And yet how can it no longer feel like that?
It's because my heart's already moved to somewhere else

It feels so familiar, so warm and inviting
But it also feels strange, and a little scary
Because it's a home I've never seen
It's a place I've never been to
But it's where I know I should be

You've made me feel this way
You make me want to leave behind
All that is familiar and comfortable
All that I know and embrace the unknown
You've taken away my fear of doing that

I will be there soon
But it won't be easy
I just hope that when it does happen
You'll have that same magic that you do now
I have no doubt in my mind that you will

1-10-12

Whenever You're Near...

2012-01-09T02:10:00.000-08:00

There's a tightness in my chest
My heart beats faster
Whenever you're near

You whisper words in my ears
My brain tingles
My eyes widen

The sun seems brighter
The day seems longer
Time itself slows to a crawl

So this is what it feels like
To feel like the world is finally yours
That God finally gave you the angel he promised

You don't know what this does to me
And you can't see the affects yet
Everyone else knows, but they still don't believe it

I'll show you how much you've changed me
How much you're making me stronger
It'll take all the time I have, but I will

This is no longer a fantasty
You're worth everything to me
I'm certain of that now

1-9-12

Believe

2012-01-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

There's something about you
That excites me more than anyone has before
You make me think of doing things
That don't make sense
And I really shouldn't be doing now

It's just that one thing that keeps me from you
You know what it is better than I do
It looks like it's killing you as much as it is me
Whatever is happening between us though
Is too much to allow that to stop this

The advice I get makes sense
And it comes from people who care
But every day, I'm given another reason to believe
That this isn't a fantasy
That I will bow before my Queen someday

The road to do that will be hard
It's already driving me crazy
Seeing your face and hearing your voice
Only added to my hysteria
Don't know how much more of this I can take

We will see each other eventually
I don't care what I have to go through
If I am truly your knight
If I have to bleed, even if it costs me my soul
Then I will go through hell itself to be with you

1-8-12

Punishing Your Soul

2012-01-07T01:45:00.000-08:00

Why do you do this to yourself?
Punsihing your soul like this
What are you trying to prove?
If you wanted my sympathy
You always had it, but it's running dry

I can't watch you do this to yourself
I don't know what to do about it
I feel so helpless, so inadequate
Nothing I can say feels right
Although you think it does

You're my friend
And that will never change
But can't help but wonder
What road are you going down
And am I going to have to follow you?

I don't want to see you fall again
It would drive me mad
You don't want to go there
But you spend every waking hour
Making the same mistakes that led you there

I'll do what it takes to get you off that road
But are you going to let us help you?
That is and always was your choice
I can only hold your hand
You have to choose to walk

1-7-12

Closer to You

2012-01-05T02:04:00.000-08:00

I can't breathe
I'm looking at you again
Imagining what it'll be like
To hold you in my arms
And tell you it'll be okay

I'm falling into your eyes
I've been blinded by your beauty
My temperature is rising
And the saddest part about it
You're not here to see it

I want to know more every day
I'm starting to believe in things I never have
Feeling things I thought I never could
Every day brings more and more obsticals
But every day, I get closer to you

I know this has to be real
It feels to good not to be
You bring such piece to my soul
I want to show you how much you've affected me
But I can't and it's killing me

One day, you will find out
And I don't want to dissapoint you
You could never dissapoint me
After all of this, all the time apart
You will be that dream come true

1-5-12

Wide Awake

2012-01-04T03:34:00.000-08:00

3 am, and I'm wide awake again
Thinking about too many things
The doubts are starting to creep in
Where are we going?
And how far do you want to take it?

You occupy my dreams
But I'm no closer to making them come true
Your very thought makes me smile
But you're not here to see it
You're not here to see any of it

I'm not there to see you smile
Or here your voice
I'm not there to dance with you
To feel how warm your hands are
And it's driving me mad

Will we ever see this as a reality?
Or will we be forever confined to each others dreams?
Reality is getting closer all the time
Just takes time and paitence
And I'd wait for you until the end of time

1-4-12

All I Can Do...

2012-01-03T13:33:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I'm feeling right now
It's a longing but I don't know what for
Am I grasping at something real?
Something I can finally hold on to?
Or am I just trying to hold a ghost?

I can imagine what it would be like with you
But that's all I can do right now
I feel like a Knight that wants to return to his Queen
Not knowing where the journey will take him
And how many dragons he has to slay along the way

I can't get you out of my head
No matter how hard I try
You're there with every breath
Every heartbeat
Even though you shouldn't be right now

If you feel the same way
Than maybe I'm doing the right thing
And if my heart is shattered by the end of this
I'm not going to worry
It wouldn't be the first time

1-3-12

Walking on Thorns

2012-01-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

All that has gone before me
Seems like empty air
Looking at my life now
I see an emptiness that only time has filled
The future is sounding more promising

It's time to do things I'm not comfortable with
I've already started to walk down that path
And it's like walking on thorns
But it'll be worth all the pain
If I get the reward I see at the end of the road

It feels like the start of something wonderful
But you're still so far away
Wanting to abandon whatever this is here
To go to something unknown
Sends the chills of anticipation down my spine

I don't belong here anymore
Wherever I find myself after this
Is in God's hands
I just hope He finds a way
To make me end up with you

1-2-12

...as Close to Heaven

2012-01-02T12:56:00.000-08:00

I sit here again
Imagining a life I'm not leading
A life with you in a place far away
I can picture everything
As if it were all happening now
Not knowing if I can make it a reality

We dance
We stare into each other's eyes
We feel each other's heartbeats
We simply enjoy each other's presence
It's as close to heaven as I'm likely to get

There's no stopping what I'm feeling
I've never wanted to let anyone in this far
Others have had their way with me
Keeping me at the end of a string or throwing me away
I don't what that to happen again, and never with you

Trying to find out if this is real
I'll have to set aside who I was before
But it's time to shed that skin anyways
Are you worth what the price will be?
If how I feel is any indication, then I already know the answer

1-2-12

Shivers

2012-01-02T03:18:00.000-08:00

They're staring at each other
They find they can't say very much
They can't believe that they're actually doing this
It's something that they've wanted
But they didn't think it would ever happen

She looks like Heaven just lost one of it's angels
Her smile sends shivers of joy down his spine
Even though he's imagined this moment for a long time
He didn't expect it to be like this
And it's everything he expected it would be

Looking at her
He sees everything he's been dreaming about
Her voice dances around in his ears
Her smile is as perfect as he thought it would be
How can he make this moment last forever?

He wants the moment to freeze
Lost in her eyes
He doesn't want this to end
But he realizes it has to
He has to wake up eventually

1-2-12

Every New Dawn

2012-01-02T00:39:00.000-08:00

I may be going mad this time
If I don't do anything about this
There's no way to predict the future
But with every new dawn
Comes another ray of sunshine

The things you've said
Have made my heart beat faster
But it's all been a dream so far
All in my mind with nothing to feel
But it's been nothing like I've ever experienced

I want to share moments with you
Enough of this imagining what would happen
If I don't see this through
We'll both live to regret it somehow
I'm not going to let that happen

I don't know what I mean to you
But you've been an angel to me so far
Despite still feeling this darkness
That invades when I think of you
It doesn't stop you from always being there

Will we ever get to where we want it to go?
I still can't answer that question
It's been a trip where it's already been
And I want it to go as far as it can
Will you be there with me?

1-1-12

As Real as it Can Be

2011-12-31T02:34:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be feeling this way about you
But I want to find out if this
Is what I've been waiting to feel for a long time
I want this to be as real as it can be
I'm tired of fighting illusions

You make me feel like no one ever has
You make me feel like a God
It's not the way I should be feeling right now
I want to be with you
And I know I can't

There's a problem with what I'm feeling
But it's a problem I'm willing to deal with
If this means finally being rewarded like this
It's an obstacle that I can deal with
I just have to keep telling my self that it's for you

I don't know where this is going
And I don't care anymore
You are worth the sacrifices
And I have to find a way to do this
Before it drives me insane

12-31-11

...Just Another Dream

2011-12-30T03:08:00.000-08:00

There's nothing I wouldn't give
To see the smile on your face
And finally see that glow
That I've imagined for so long
Just so that it isn't just another dream

I want to know if this can be real
And not just become another fantasy
If you really feel this way about me
Or am I just taking things way to far again
It wouldn't be the first time

You know me as well as anyone can
Even though you've never seen me
I don't want to dissapoint you
I just want to be what you expect me to be
Which is your dream come true

The voice in the back of my mind
Tells me that this isn't real
There's nothing to make this happen
It only makes me want to try this even more
And I don't care where it goes

My heart my break permanently
But I'm tired of living like this
Living one day to the next
It's time to understand what this is
Will you go along with me?

12-30-11

Learning to Fall

2011-12-30T01:09:00.000-08:00

The sound deafens you
One by one
The pieces hit the floor
My armor hits the ground
And you have never had a better opportunity

I stand before you
Willing to take whatever you choose to throw at me
It doesn't matter anymore
The blood that flows tonight
Will be worth whatever you choose to dish out

I've offered you everything
And you've chosen to throw me away
I didn't want to accept it at first
But if this is what it takes to get your to undestand
Then this is the fall that I'm willing to take

You will find out later
Excatly what you missed out upon
And you will cry a river of tears
But I won't be there to mop them up
And neither will any one else

So take your best shot
I don't care any more what happens to me
I finally recognize the hate in your eyes
All the love I had for you is finally gone
And I couldn't feel any better about it

12-30-11

...the Slightest Beam of Light

2011-12-30T00:47:00.000-08:00

I've been through this before
Been at the point where I could've stopped
But been forced to say what needed to be said
If anything because you needed to know
And this is one of those time

I'm tired of the way you hold me out
Like a kite at the end of a string
Reeling me in when you felt comfortable
Not caring about the storms I've been through
Only about how far along I could be kept out there

I know what you've been through
And I wish I could've been there for it
But you decided that I didn't need to know
It's okay at the end of the day
You choose to tell those who are closest to you

If I mean that much to you
Please don't keep me at the end of this leash
I know I haven't been the best at keeping up on this
But I don't deserve the darkness that you've kept me in
Because the slightest beam of light has driven me crazy

Whatever you want from me, take it now
If you insist on keeping me away from you and across the line
I will have no choice but to sever the last line you created
I will be your friend until the end of time
But I won't be your pool toy to keep you afloat at your amusment

12-30-11

When You See the Light

2011-12-30T00:31:00.000-08:00

Here I am
I've been waiting for you
But you're still blind to me
You talk to me every day
But you're still as deaf as ever

You've told me what you want
And I know I can be that
We've had the conversation
A million times before
And you can't see the nose on your face

I could make your dreams come true
But I'm destined to remain on the sidelines
Watching as you come close to destroying yourself
And I become the fool that picks you back up
Makes you able to make that mistake again

I hold out a fool's hope
That you will understand what this does to you
And you will see me for what I am
A poor fool wanting to be your saviour
But you just want someone to be your stooge

I can't spend the rest of my life
Wating for you to see the light
When you're surrounded by the darkness
I can only do what I do
And only pray that you don't leave a residue on me

I'll be there eventually, when you see the light
But I won't even care
You'll be so far gone by then
That you won't even know the void that's left
By the one person who really wanted to be your everything

12-30-11

Grasping at Air

2011-12-29T18:20:00.000-08:00

You offer yourself to me
But you have nothing to give
You stand before me
And show me your gifts
But you're holding empty boxes

There's a vacancy behind your eyes
An emptiness fills your words
You're trying to hard to please me
But I'm not gonna fall for your tricks this time
And find my self grasping at air

You don't care what this does to me
All you see is another victim
Someone else to fall for your charms
I'm not gonna be that person
And you're finally gonna know what that feels like

You're finally gonna see
What it feels like to be left in the cold
To not get what you're heart is aching for
And you'll realize what you've missed
But I'm not gonna be there to see it

12-29-11

When You Fall

2011-12-23T01:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not doing this again
I'm not giving my self away so easily
To someone who's going to treat me
Like a box of kleenex
To use up and throw away

When it's convienent for you
I am a friend
A confident
And a psychologist
But that's all you need me for

I'm not a friend
I'm someone to unload your problems on
A convienent punching bag
I never see you happy, you're always in pain
And hate to see you like that

I know all you need is a willing shoulder
But what you're really after is willing fool
Someone to make you feel as bad as you do
I've been there too many times before
And this can't be the primary part of our friendship

If you really cared about me
You'd listen to what I'm telling you
And you'd keep from falling on your face
But you know me too well
I am always there to catch you when you fall

12-22-11

Dancing On that Line

2011-12-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

I didn't expect this
Where it went and how far
I'm just glad it stopped where it did
And I don't have have to say anything
Besides where could it have gone

We came into each others lives
When we needed to
Nothing more or nothing less
You lifted me out from this haze
If only for a little while

You'll remember my name
You'll remember what we did
We did nothing you can regret
We went farther than I ever wanted to
We danced upon that line
It's up to me to decide
How much of this am I going to think about
I know exactly what this was supposed to be
And the role I was supposed to play
And I deserve the Oscar for the performance

I saw your laughter and I saw your tears
I was there when you needed a shoulder to cry on
And when you needed a lip to bite
But this is tomorrow
What I am and what this meant to you is your decision
12-21-11

No Angel

2011-12-21T03:46:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't be here right now
Thinking of you in this way
But you've given me no choice
I could quit this any time
But I don't want to any more

You're the first one to make me feel like this
In a very long time
You don't know what this does to my fragile mind
Or maybe you do know what it does
All that makes you is cruel

I don't have enough information
To make the right decision
I know how I'm feeling right now
But it should be something I should suppress
Because I can't make you feel this

I'm not who you deserve
I'm no angel
And I'm no prince charming
I'm just someone who's infatuated by you
And nothing I have tried has stopped it

God, tell me where to go with this
Will something come from this?
Or am I just waiting for another echo?
The waiting is killing me
And I've never been happy with the answer before

12-21-11

All We Have is Words

2011-12-21T02:49:00.000-08:00

Another late night with you
Don't know where this is going
But I like where it's been already
Little moments of fun and excitment
Without ever seeing your face

Losing sleep
Just so I can read your words
Not knowing how serious you are
What kind of game are we playing here?
I just hope I can tell if I'm winning or losing

It's always when I should be dreaming
That you appear
Out of nowhere sometimes
Or just as I think you are not there
It's like you're spying on me

I haven't heard your voice
I haven't heard your laugh
I haven't looked into those beautiful eyes
You've only read my words
And all I have read is yours

Maybe someday, I'll meet you
Put a face to that personality I'm getting to know
But maybe you're destined to remain at a distance
Another dream I couldn't touch
But I don't want this dream to end

12-21-11

I Don't Know How to Tell You...

2011-12-18T01:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to tell you...
But there I go again
Writing words here
Because I can't tell you them in person
What the hell is wrong with me?

You make things so easy for me
With that little smile
God is suddenly in the room
Nothing else can break the magic
And I feel on top of the world

I don't know how to tell you...
Why do I keep repeating this phrase?
As if it's gonna mean anything to you
You've had your heart stabbed more than me
And kept you on permanent red alert

If you can't handle what I say
Then I want to know
It's better than being in the dark
Your look says so many things
You can be such a mystery sometimes

It's become like living in a prison
You've become locked inside my mind
And I don't want you to leave it
I wish there was some way to make you understand
But I don't know how to tell you...

12-18-11

"What I've Learned..." (2011)

2011-12-17T17:13:00.000-08:00

Every month Esquire Magazine asks a celebrity what they've learned (http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/). That being said, this is what I've learned this year. I know it's not my usual ramblings but it's important to share this anyways. If I learn something else before the year is over, I'll add it.
__________________

I've learned that if you bite you tounge long enough, you'll begin to taste your own blood.

The same God that can show you what it feels like to finally feel love or something close to it can also teach you what it's like to feel a kind of pain that you've never felt before, and that both are equally valuable.

I've learned that I think too much about some people and not enough about others. I also say to little to some people and too much to others.

If you're gonna drink, have a plan and stick to it. And stay away from the fucking computer, or Facebook at least.

When it comes to the saying "There's always someone worse off", the better your friends are, the more they will go out of their way to prove that.

Friends, the good kind, will tell you what you need to hear.

There's a good way to lose weight and then there's the way that worries people. I've experimented with both ways this year with good results, fortunatly.

You can make whatever plans you want to. You can decide that by this time you will be here or doing this. But the same things always derail them: You, not doing a goddamn thing about it or other people's lives.

You need time for yourself. To get inside your own mind and think about where it is you're going and what you're doing. The problem becomes when you realize that you're doing this too much and nothing translates into real actions.

------------------------------

What have you learned this year? I invite you to add your own lessons and maybe we'll learn something from all of our experiences. I certainly have learned a lot about friendship this year, and I thank all of your for that.

Beyond a Distant Shore

2011-12-17T16:43:00.000-08:00

If there is a constant in my life
It's wanting something I cannot have
It doesn't matter what it is
There's always something just out of reach
Somewhere beyond a distant shore

She's always there when I'm not at my best
She never sees what I become
When she's not around
She brings a side out of me
That I would rather keep to my self

A stone is dropped in the pond
Whenever she enters the room
Her energy makes everything brighter
While I fade into the darkness
For reasons I can't explain

It's inevitable that our worlds would collide
The reasons are irrelevant
We can't go back, fate is not that kind
All I want is to find a way to tell her
How much she has changed me

One day she'll see me
And know the mistake she's making
And I'll know I've gotten through to her
And I'll realize my mistake
That I should've acted sooner

12-17-11

Ensnared

2011-12-16T17:14:00.000-08:00

She lies there in front of him
Looking like Hell just lost one of it's Demons
Her eyes find his
His breathe leaves his body
As those lips blow a single kiss

He approaches her
Expecting for her to reel up like a cobra
But she just waits for him
Hands going behind her head
And closing those soft eyes

Without her feeling it
He's over her
Feeling his breath, she opens her eyes
She sees him
And knows she has him ensnared

Their lips touch
He tastes blood, but doesn't stop
A hand goes to his back
Nails go into his skin
There's no going away from this

She pulls him in
There's nothing between them now
The light fades around them
His conscience fades into the distance
Whatever comes next, God will have turn away

12-16-11

On the Other Side

2011-12-15T18:17:00.001-08:00

You make me feel alive
I don't know how else to explain it
There's nothing I wouldn't say or do
To get those eyes to look at me
It's just that one problem that keeps us apart

Falling in love is like climbing a mountain
You struggle up one side
Peak at the top
And descend
Only to see a larger mountain on the other side

You tease me
Make me say things that I know I shouldn't
But it doesn't matter
It's becoming an interesting experiment
Seeing how much I can take before I explode

Maybe one day
I'll see what it's likeTo finally have all this become real
But it's becoming fun to push my self like this
Playing this game
Already knowing what the outcome will be

I just have to remember to breathe and think
I know what all of this means
I've been here enough to know
It becomes easier and easier to deal with every time
But it still drives me crazy

12-15-11

Locked

2011-10-28T00:04:00.001-07:00

Tonight was all the evidence I needed
That whatever I want from you now
Is so far beyond your reach
It's as if we've never met before
And you could never be who I thought you could be

All I want from you is some sort of civility
Some way of talking to you
Without the past being there
Like the elephant in the room
But it's evident you are still locked in that room

I've tried everything I know
But all I've gotten is your cold shoulder
I've tried asking your forgiveness
But I've done nothing that would require it
I'm apologizing for your lies

If that's the way you want it
Than that's something I can accept finally
You are the devil my conscience always thought you were
And that is something I know how to deal with
Submission was never something I was comfortable with

We can't reach an equilibrium
Somewhere we both feel comfortable
I've tried and you have remained where you are
Always a word short of saying what I've really felt
The blood in my mouth is evidence of this

No more playing the nice guy
It's become evident that's all you can handle
I tried to be friendly and all you could be was vicious
I know your colors now and I know how you use them
Heaven forgive me for the wrath that I have unleashed

10-28-11

Purge

2011-09-27T22:10:00.001-07:00

What am I doing here?
Wondering if I'll ever talk to you again
Without feeling the elephant in the room
I don't care if anything happens between us
I just hate the fact that it's come down to this

I see you everywhere
Just as I'm starting
To learn to breathe without you
You appear at the place I feel safe
Why do you haunt me like this?

I have to find a way to purge you
Even though I know how impossible that is
I've tried every solution I know
And nothing seems to work
You have no reason to occupy this space

You were a mistake
Something that I would take back
Something that I've had to apologize for
I gave you everything
And you gave me nothing

Anger has it's limits
And I know I have to move on
But if you insist on showing up
I guess I'm gonna have to tame this beast
Before it eats me up inside

9-8-11

Always Remain

2011-09-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

Do you think about me
As often as I think about you?
I doubt I ever cross your mind
And if I do
It's only because I'm in the room

I don't want you back in any way
But try telling that to my memory
I can still feel everything you did
And as always
The scars of what you did always remain

I want to get beyond that some way
But I don't know how to do that
I can look at you now without my heart jumping
But I still feel so much anger and regret
You were the wrong person at the right time

It was a mistake to think
That you could be anymore than I wanted you to be
And all I wanted you to be was yourself
You were hiding in front of me
And I was to enthralled with you to notice

I don't know what you're thinking
When you look at me
But it can't be anything good
What's behind those eyes
Is another mystery I'll never solve

9-16-11

Anymore

2011-08-28T22:12:00.001-07:00

You stare right through me
As though I'm not there
I see your face change and drop
As if the devil himself walked into the room
Whatever did I do to deserve this silence?

I must've wounded you badly
To deserve treatment like this
I hate being left in the dark
But whatever I did to make you scared of me
Isn't worth any bitterness I feel

I don't care if I ever feel your touch again
I know it's something
That even God won't permit
It doesn't matter anymore
I don't want there to be this tension anymore

Whatever you want to say to me
Say it now
I am ready for whatever you want to say
I've dealt with you wrong in the past
One more time won't kill me

This time we'll end up enemies forever
Or we'll find a way to resolve the problem
Whatever I can do to heal this wound
I am willing to do
But I feel like I'm going to wait until the end of time

7-21-11

Left a Scar

2011-08-07T23:36:00.000-07:00

Every time I pass a certain place
Or a certain car drives by
I get a strange feeling in my stomach
Like I'm expecting to see a ghost
But it's always about you

I should be over what you did by now
I should've realized that nothing that we did
Meant anything to you
And now you're afraid to look me in the eye
I really should hate you

But how can I hate someone who did what you did to me?
Who showed me, even for a little while
What it felt like to be a little more complete?
Who looked at me in ways no other person had?
I have to keep reminding my self of how you chose to end it

You left a hole in my heart
About the size of a bullet
And it hasn't healed yet
I know it'll take more than your forgiveness to fill it
And it'll still leave a scar

8-2-11

Ghost

2011-08-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

You still insist on showing up
Where I feel most comfortable
And you still bring up all of those feelings
Whether or not you're with him or not
And you don't seem to care

I know I didn't mean anything to you
Or I did and you can't admit it
I still want to know what I did to you
But it's a question you can't answer
And I'm beyond caring what the answer is

You created a vacuum that has yet to be filled
I've been able to move on by embracing the hate
That you left in your wake by leaving me behind
Without caring how I would feel
When you left me to drown

I've found my self more in the dark
Then when your lips first met mine
That vacant stare in your eyes
Makes it clear how much you're waiting for me
To say things that I will never say

I want to be that thorn in your side
That reminds you of what you left behind
If you want to heal that wound
I'm right here waiting for you
But it's a wound you keep picking at

I've become that ghost that I always thought I was
You can feel my eyes upon you and you don't want to say anything
I understand that because you understand what I'm missing
What you don't understand is that you can solve this
By just answering the questions that you refuse to answer

7-14-11

Every Dream

2011-07-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a while now
And I still can't get you outta my head
You're there with every thought
Every feeling and every dream
Why do you posses me like this?

Every time I see you
You shrink like a closing flower
You make your best attempt
Not to say anything or even look at me
Why does that still bother me?

What you did to me is still there
Overpowering everything
And there in the back round
Whenever I see someone else
You've polluted me that much

Every dream reduces you
Every memory reminds me of your betrayal
Every day without you reminds me of what you took
I know it's just a matter of time
But time doesn't care about me anymore

This will end someday
I can't go on like this
I will meet someone
Who'll make me forget about you
You'll be just another bad memory

7-10-11

Your Move

2011-06-21T01:30:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing I've learned recently
Is that it's as important to think clearly about someone
Than to fall for them blindly
I fell for you as blind as a bat
And I'm living with the consequences of that mistake

I don't know what I did to earn your contempt
Did I do something wrong?
Did I say something I shouldn't have?
Did I say enough?
I never wanted to hurt you

I don't know what I want from you
I'm not asking for your forgiveness
It would be asking too much
I've done that too many times already
Without having anything to apologize for

What I did want from you, I got
One day at a time
One moment at a time
That's all you could afford to give me
But even that was too much for you

I don't know if we can heal this rift
And I don't know if it would be worth the effort
I've gotten used to being uncomfortable in your presence
Even if I know you're not in the room
I have to get beyond that before I can forgive you

We're too different to be together, I know that now
But I don't want to be your enemy either
Whatever you want us to be
I can try to be that too
It's your move

6-13-11

Last Time

2011-06-21T01:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen you in quite a while
Is that my fault or yours?
The last time we saw each other
There was no civility and just anger
But there was no way it could've been different

I didn't want it to be like that
But you couldn't say a word
You didn't care
I was just another face in the crowd
I didn't deserve to be that

I wanted to have a decent conversation
But the devil grabbed your tongue
And all I got from you was blanks
I was frustrated by your disdain
But I wasn't going to ignore it this time

I responded with pure venom
And ruined your night
But you made that night a disaster
And every night before and past that
By your silence and indifference

Whatever there was between us
Is now as dead as the silence between us
You chose the moment long before that
And it's still a knife between my ribs
Why do you hate me so much?

6-18-11

True Colors

2011-06-03T02:08:00.000-07:00

The answers were all there
All I had to do was be open to them
Tonight you made them clear
What I had always suspected
You made as clear as plastic

What you took from me
Was taking candy from a baby
You knew what you were doing all the time
A thief in front of my eyes
But who was I to question?

You made me feel like a king
But I was only being played like a jester
This is the lesson I'm supposed to learn
That the first time I give my heart to someone
They play it like a marble on a roulette wheel

I ignored the warnings
Even though they were screaming at me
All the hope I had that you were different
Was burned before my eyes
And I remained blind until tonight

This was the moment I had honestly been dreading
Your true colors showed this evening
And all I saw was black and white
You tried to make it look it like you did nothing
When you took from me the only gift I was ever given

My trust was the only thing I had left to value
And you spent it like a gambler on a roulette wheel
I wanted to believe in you, that you were somehow different
But you lived up to your expectations
Even if I refused to believe them

What you too from me can never be got back
Thank you for making me realize my mistake
And making me learn a hard lesson
I understand the kind of person you are
And that is a pain I can deal with

6-3-11

In the Dust

2011-06-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

I've said this before
And it's only to convince my self that I'm not crazy
And that I was never in love with you
But I can't stop my heart from pounding when I see you
And I can't stop the anger rising in my throat

I have to treat you
Like you were so willing to treat me
Like something that was so easy to throw away
When you got scared of what you were feeling
And hadn't the slightest bit of courage to explain it

You threw me away
Refusing to look me in the eye
Or even acknowledge my presence in a room
If this is how you treat your friends
Than your enemies must feel like kings

What did I do to earn such contempt?
I tried to treat you like a queen
Why do deserve your coldness?
And why do I still feel like this
Even though I know that nothing will ever happen?

I don't regret a single thing we did
Or anything that I said
I did my best to be honest and open with you
And you did your best to use me and leave me in the dust
We both did what we do best

God once again
Put something in front of me
I thought he finally had answered a prayer
But He was once again testing my faith and resolve
And I failed miserably

All I want now is to forget about you
Find some way to get through the day
Without you intruding into my thoughts
It'll be a long time before that happens
But it'll be an even longer time before I consider you a friend

6-1-11

Running on the Rails

2011-06-03T01:28:00.000-07:00

I can't be in the same room with you
Without wanting to explode like a volcano
I can't help it
If I could get just a minute with you
But even that seems too much for you

Being involved with you
Was like standing in front of a freight train
I knew disaster was right in front of me
But I wanted to feel what you were giving me for so long
That I ran on the rails right towards it

I didn't think about it at all
And that was the biggest mistake I made
If I had bothered to, I wouldn't have gone that far
But I did and it's something I'll live with
And I'll be able to look back on it and smile

Everything I believe and that I thought I wanted
I had to violate or set aside at some point
I compromised my self
I enjoyed it for what it was a
And I hate it for what it's become

Whatever you wanted or still want from me
Remains that hay in a stack of needles
I understand that you were using me
I understand that you've used a lot of people
And I'm just another cog in your machine

I'll learn to breathe without you
I don't trust you and I don't think I ever will
It's about time I stop expecting the best from people
And only expect what they present themselves to be
Thank you for teaching me that

6-1-11

Nothing Left to Say

2011-05-30T01:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen you
I haven't wanted to see you
Sharing the same space with you
Would be like sharing the same cell
It would drive us both crazy

Trying to describe what you meant to me
All I can seem to return to
Is the way in which it ended
As a total surprise and as fast as it started
It still haunts me

There's something that prevented you
From getting to close
You were hiding right in front of me
And I was too blind to see it
Or I simply didn't want too

I wanted it to be more than what it was
I convinced my self that it was
I blocked out all negative warnings
Even though they all came true
I wanted to believe in you

Hopefully, this will finally lay this to rest
There's nothing left for me to say
It's clear that you don't want to listen
But it's okay
I'll leave this better than I was before

5-30-11

Pick Up the Pieces

2011-05-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel frustration whenever I think of you?
Is it because of what you've done?
Is it regret over what we've done
Or what you did to me?
I can't seem to answer those questions

I can't ignore you
Like the way you've chosen to ignore me
You're there everyday
Whether I want to admit it or not
And it's boiling inside of me

All I want
All I ever wanted
Is what you never wanted to give me
You shut me out like an unwanted guest
And left me to pick up the pieces

I know I'll calm down eventually
But not now
And that's something I have to deal with
It'll get easier
I'll just take my cue from you

5-23-11

A Devil's Grin

2011-05-15T01:23:00.000-07:00

I know how impatient I am
But if every time I talk to you
All I get is that enigmatic smile
And you want to know what’s behind every laugh
Is it any wonder why I feel like this?

Did I do something wrong?
Apparently I didn’t because I’m not seeing anger
Whatever it is you’re doing right now
Is working better than you want
Because you dominate all of my thoughts

You shouldn’t be there at the front of my mind
I don’t know how else to describe it
I know it’s not love
Because that’s something I don't believe in anymore
You put the final nail in that coffin

To wait this long and to be this dissapointed
By someone whose heart is apparently this hardened
I should’ve seen this coming
But I was too blind by what you were doing
Which was nothing like I had experienced

I know how I should act around you now
The same way you’ve been acting around me
That’s not something I’m very good at
But maybe it’s the only way for you to see
The damage you have done

I know you don’t care
I know behind that laugh is a devil’s grin
I’ve become another story for you tell
If that’s all I will be for you
It’s time for you to be a ghost to me

5-15-11

Something Like This

2011-05-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

You don’t know how many days
I’ve gone home with my heart in my throat
Because of something you’ve done or said
I’ve gone home many times like that before
But this is the first time that it’s because of something like this

I’m used to feeling dissapointed
When I get home
Like nothing went right
But now it’s starting to change
Although I can’t fight the darker feelings

I feel like I’ve done something wrong
It’s my own doubts creeping to the surface
Cursing and trying to crumble this good feeling
I can’t let it do that
I have to hold on to this feeling with all my might

I have no certainty to hang on to
There’s nothing in my past
That has prepared me for a moment like this
When I feel like I’m finally holding on to something
And feel it start to slip between my fingers

Whatever happens
If anything like I fear happens
I’ll have that feeling of I tried and got there
But it’s nothing if I let it go
As fast and as sudden as it arrived

5-8-11

Wall of Silence

2011-05-15T01:01:00.001-07:00

I’ve come to the end of the road
Where all the final decisions are made
It doesn’t matter what you think this was
I know what it meant to me
I’m tired of your wall of silence

You’ve been what I’ve wanted
And nothing I’ve hoped or prayed for
Nothing we have done or been through
Has been anything I haven’t wanted
And nothing I’ve regreted

It was you that lit the fuse
It was you that that chose the time
And when to throw yourself at me
I played along and was willing to overlook
The signs of danger that should’ve kept me away

To be ignored like this
Is something no decent human being can take
But going without sleep for this long can make anyone go mad
But all that sleep was lost over nothing, a fantasy
Why did I waste so much time on something so trivial?

What you wanted out of me
Is a mystery I’ll never be able to solve
All you had to offer me was yourself
And even that appeared to be too much
But I was still able to taste it

There’s no way you can know what you’ve done to me
And I’m doubting at this point that you even care
Or that you even told me the truth
You’ve been holding out on me for too long
That must really be who you are

The pain I feel will soon subside
I’ll be able to look at you without feeling anger
I didn’t mean anything to you
All I am is another notch on your belt
And I’m wondering who will be the next to fall for it

5-15-11

So That's What it Feels Like

2011-05-12T00:43:00.000-07:00

So here I sit
Wondering for the billionth time
Where this is going
And what I should be doing about it
So that’s what it feels like

Wondering where you are
And what you’re doing
And I can’t help but thinking
When is this drug gonna wear off?
So that’s what it feels like

Trying to process these feelings
I keep coming back to the same things
I can’t get you outta my head
I have too, other wise I won’t sleep
So that’s what it feels like

Asking questions of how I screwed up
Although I can’t think of any offense
Wondering what will happen when I see you again
Wondering if it wll be better than the last time
So that’s what it feels like

Is it supposed to be this massive contradiction?
I’m feeling euphoric and depressed at the same time
I feel like taking on the world but unsure at the same time
If that’s true, I don’t want these feelings to end
So that‘s what it feels like

5-9-11

Man in the Sky

2011-05-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

I hate judgmental people
I hate people that do not think before they speak
I’m hating my self right now
Because I’m doing both of those things
But I can no longer restrain my self

I’ve encountered a lot of people recently
People’s whose minds are closed tighter
Than the safes in Fort Knox
And it’s because of what they think of as a superstition
An obsurd belief in a “man in the sky”

It’s an old argument
And one they cling to when all other arguments fail
But listening to their other arguments
I find that what they want from this “man”
is to be somwhere between Merlin, Santa Clause, and Walt Disney

They expect perfection
Magic tricks
And a life without pain or misery
They can’t believe a “man” would allow pain to flourish
Even if you end up learning something from that pain

I also find that somewhere along the line
That someone who said they believed in this “man”
Did deverything they could not to express that belief
Under the pretense of it being “his” will
And they were on the receiving end of that hypocrisy

It’s fertile ground for doubt and ignorance
But it’s obsurd and hypocritcal on their own part
To put them in the same boat they think others put them in
It is their own pain and fear that’s really talking
And it also has something to do with how we have treated them

It’s up to us who believe in that “man in the sky”
To prove that we’re not all barbaric beasts
And we can do it the way we were taught
By our love and friendship
And by the way we listen to them when they complain about us

5-9-11

GodSend

2011-05-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

GodSend

I’ve been waiting for so long
To have somesone to share these moments with
But I’ve always had this feeling that when they do arrive
It’ll feel like waiting for a battle to start
It turned out to be right

There are things that you’ve made me feel
That no can describe
I try to but every time I fall flat on my face
I’ve been able to show you some of them
But even then, it still doesn’t feel like enough

You’ve been a miracle, a Godsend
You’ve been and you are exactly what I needed now
A way to break through my own insecurities
A way to understand that I have to listen to my heart
And not what’s being said by others

There’s a part of me that wants to take this slow
The voices in and outside my head have said that
And I know they’re right about some things
But I don’t have the experience to do that
And heart is screaming to go faster

I don’t know where this is going
I don’t know if I would want to know
I’m tired of feeling numb to these things
Even if you hurt me, I’ll always know that I fell for you
And that will mean more to me than anything

5-5-11

Gift

2011-01-13T00:58:00.000-08:00

All I’ve ever believed
All I’ve ever dreamed
Has crumbled in front of my eyes
And here I sit in the dark
Wondering what it all means

I have no right to ask those questions
I haven’t lived the life that enables me to do that
I haven’t done anything worth writing about
Nothing worth singing or even worrying about
I’ve been stuck in pergatory for longer than I can remember

What I believe about what life is supposed to show me
I couldn’t explain to you even if I were given an eternity
I know as much about life as any of you do
If you ever bothered to ask yourself that question
And looking around, I see few people have

You live your life being shown what to think
Being told what to feel by people you think know better
If you’ve been given the gift of being able to make decisions
Why do you rely on others to use that gift for you?
Are you as lost as I am that you need someone else to read the map?

When time is finally at an end
At least I can say I made my own decisions
Nobody held a gun to my head and told me how to think
Nobody held my hand and led me down the right or wrong road
I made use of the gift and the consequences are mine to accept

12-7-10

Voice in the Dark

2011-01-13T00:57:00.000-08:00

There’s nothing you can do
There’s nothing you can say
That will make me change my ways
There’s no longer any way that you can hurt me
You’re just another voice in the dark

You are all I’ve ever wanted
I’ve written that so many times before
But it’s something I’ve never truly believed
I don’t know if it’s something I’ve ever wanted to believe
I’ve hoped against hope for it

My dreams always dissapoint me
The coldness of reality doesn’t ever match them
I’ve asked God to give me what I should have
But he’s never been able to lead me in that direction
Although I’ve tried to follow

Maybe I’m not asking for the right things
Maybe I’m not supposed to go down that road
Maybe there’s still more I have to learn
Maybe you’re always staring at me and I’m too blind to notice
The “maybes” are starting to drive me mad

Don’t believe the madness you read here
I don’t blame God for my ineptitude
It’s all on my head at the end of the day
But until the light is shown to me
You’re just another voice in the dark

12-7-10

I'm Not the One

2011-01-13T00:56:00.000-08:00

You need someone to hold you
Someone to dry your tears
Someone to chase away your fears
Real or imagined
I’m not the one

You need someone to practice on
Someone to hold up as your target
Somone to say all the right words
Even if they can’t find them
I’m not the one

You don’t need a friend
You just need a willing punching bag
You don’t need advice
You just need a microphone
I’m not the one

I’ll be gone as soon as you feel better
Cast aside like a used tissue
Made to feel like I matter
If only for that time
I’m not the one

If you needed a friend
I’d be right there by your side
But that’s not what you’re looking for
You want jester, a buffon, a stooge
I’m not the one

11-4-10

Farther and Farther Away

2010-10-29T01:29:00.000-07:00

You sit there next to me
And there’s a look in your eyes
A look that says,
“I’m as close to you as I can be
But I’m as far away from you as you think I am.”

I know it’s true the moment your mouth opens
With every word you get farther and farther away
Until the only place you can possibly inhabit
Are my dreams
And even then you still haunt me

There’s no denying that it’s all in my head
But there’s still that pull that draws me in
There’s no denying I’ll never go there
But if you wanted me too
I’d be beside you in a heartbeat

There’s no more to say
All I can do is be grateful
That I’ve made another friend
But there’s always going to be the question
And that question is “What if...”

10-29-10

Know You More

2010-06-13T02:10:00.000-07:00

There’s a moment when I see you
When your eyes meet mine
I feel something strange
But I can’t do anything
Was that because of you or me?

Your eyes hide everything
The truth, the lies, holding them away
I want to find out what’s there
But the words can never be found
Am I destined to follow this road?

Just as soon as I see you
You dissappear
Like a ghost or a phantom
Where you ever really there
Or was I just to blind not to see?

I want to find out what makes you tick
How you percieve the world around you
Do you care what the future holds
I don’t really care how you answer them
I just want to know you more

Locked inside my insecurites
I begin to imagine
What life would be like for you and me
All I can see is Heaven
But would falling for you, drive me to Hell?

6-13-10

UnMistakable

2010-05-14T01:10:00.001-07:00

I can see your face
Whenever I dream
It doesn’t matter if I’m asleep
Or awake
I’m still blinded by that smile

I know who you are
It’s unmistakable
I don’t know what to do about it
I my dreams the words come easily
But reality makes it more difficult

I want to say what I feel
But that’ll make it to open
I just have to remember that it’s not about me
It’s about you and seeing you
And not wanting anything you can’t give me

I’m trying to get beyond my fear
But it’s always written on my face
I can’t escape it and I know I have too
The only way I can is talking to you truthfully
And hope that you will accept that

5-14-10

Into the Sidelines

2010-05-03T00:44:00.000-07:00

I know you don’t care about me
At least not the way I want you too
I wish I could find some way to show you
Why can’t this be easier
When I know what I could do for you

When there’s this feeling inside of me
I don’t know how to deal with it
I want to scream it from the highest building
But my vanity gets in the way
And you end up passing me by

I want to find a way of showing you I am
Without sacrificing the need to be honest
I don’t want to lie too you
And be something I can and don’t want to be
But that’s seemingly what you want

I try to be there
But I’m always in the backround
Trying to get involved in what’s going on
But I always get pushed into the sidelines
If that’s because of you or me, I don’t know

I see what gets through
And I don’t like it
I can’t act in that way
It’s below my standards
And it’s way below your diginity

5-3-10

Follow

2010-05-03T00:33:00.000-07:00

Fading into the backround
Once again I dissapear
You don’t see me anymore
I’m a piece of furniture
I’m something that you set your pain on

I see you standing there
I know I shouldn’t say anything
Because when I do
I’m hiding what I’m feeling
Because of that person standing near you

I shouldn’t be doing that
It tears me up inside
But that’s where all of that has led me
To the same place over and over again
But never to anything that would mean anything

I sit here along night after night
Wondering what to about that
Every dream and every fantasy points in the same direction
What should I do if that ever becomes real?
Should I follow my consicence or the dream

There’s no denying that look on my face
There’s no escaping the beauty of your smile
To not notice them
I’d have to go blind
And I would rather live with the guilt

5-3-10

Don't Answer

2010-05-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

I’m ask you the question again
The one I’ve asked a million times
But it’s the only one
You’ve never bothered to answer
Was I just asking it the wrong way

Should I abandon this place
And go search for my future
In a foreign and alien land?
Or is my future here
Amongst the comforts and friends?

You don’t answer the question
The one everybody must ask
Even those who appear
To already have the question answered
But You leave me struggling in the dark

Everytime I ask there’s a moment
When I catch someones eye
Or something happens to keep me hear
Is this a test or is it a sign that I’m ignoring
I never have the clarity to understand

She’s not here, I’ve been looking to long
I’m getting a larger sense that my future isn’t here
I’m asking you again for your guidance and wisdom
You’ve given that to me in the past when I haven’t asked
I’m asking you for it now, more than ever

5-3-10

Dreams

2010-04-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

Why must I dream of you?
That’s only the vanity and absurdities
It’s only tainted memories
And fantasies that cause my brain to confuse me
And I wake up wanting you that much more

The invasion of my mind
Is a hard thing to resist
I’ve learned just to let them happen
I can’t control who I see
And I can’t control what I do

Are you trying to teach me a lesson?
Is there something else I need to know?
There’s less of a hope for me and you
Then there ever was before
Why should my dreams decieve me in this way?

I welcome the release from the real
Into whatever world they take me into
But, for godsakes, I can’t keep waking up dissapointed
I’m able to feel your lips and taste your breath there
Why can’t I do it in the waking hours?

4-30-10

Only a Glance

2010-04-17T01:31:00.000-07:00

I saw you again tonight
It was only a glance
You never said my name
And I never said yours
We left as we began

It was just after I was finally able
To kick your face out of my mind
To shred the memory
Forget that look in your eyes
Erase the beauty of your smile

We didn’t share anything
No words or looks
I remembered everything about you
But you didn’t remember me
I didn’t expect you to

I heard the wrong things tonight
The things I should be used to hearing
Cause it’s the only thing that gets through
I’ll forget about you again
But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about you

4-17-10

Just a Spark

2010-04-03T02:51:00.000-07:00

You say what you want
But it’s as empty as the air
I want you to care about something
Something beyond your line of sight
But maybe that’s to much to ask

You make believe the world beyond you exsists
Beyond the screams and the cries for help
You woul rather just stare at the hell from a distance
You think you can not do anything
Those that see blood can see what you are blind too

I don’t know you anymore
You are as empty as the air you preserve
I thought I could see the light inside you
But it’s just the spark
There’s nothing that could indicate a fire

I want to believe as you do
Is there more to you then the empty words?
The outside world is a far from you as Mars from Earth
I want you to believe as I do
That would be the miracle I’m waiting for.

You let the world wash over you
As the storm washees over the street
We will be forgotten tomomorrow
We will be whispers on the wind
So long to the past, What’s next?
4-3-10

Up Against the Glass

2010-03-28T02:13:00.002-07:00

Lost in the darkness
I’m looking to you for the way
But am I grasping at another mirage
Or am I reaching for something real
God hasn’t revealed the answer yet

I know what I feel when you’re around
I want to show you everything I can be
But once again I’m afraid too
Because to do that
Would violate the core of my being

I was ready to burst out of my shell
But you had to do something to keep me inside
It wasn’t your fault
I prayed for God to show me the answer
And he showed me the way before I could fall

Once again, I find my self at the fringes
My nose pressed up against the glass
I can see where I should be
But it’s exactly where I don’t want to be
It’s torture to continue on like this

If God doesn’t want me to feel that satistaction
Then so be it
I’m tired of getting this close
And only to have the prize stolen from me again
It’s getting to much for me to handle

3-28-10

Just a Whisper

2010-03-28T02:13:00.001-07:00

I’ve let you do it again
I’ve let you crawl inside my mind again
And now I’m seeing the memories again
Of what you and I have gone through
But it’s just a whisper

You and I never had a chance to see
What life could be like together
There was never anything past my imagination
That ever indicated a future for me and you
That was something you never considered

I never and could never
Live up to your expectations
You had a list of goals
And I always knew I fell short
Although something told me to keep going

I remember that look in your eyes
That look of trust
That look of telling me your secrets
But it was all something you needed to do
I was just the convienant receptacle

You will always hold a place in my mind
I couldn’t dig you out with dynamite
I can’t replace your smile
But it doesn’t matter anymore
I no longer hold a place in your heart

3-28-10

No Way to Know

2010-03-28T02:12:00.001-07:00

Here I sit once again
Wondering once again
If I had done things differently
Would I be feeling your arms around me
Or would be sitting here alone

I guess there’s no way to know
And in reality
I don’t want to know
Not because there’s no way to know
But because that’s not what God has intended

I could sit here for hours
Guessing what would’ve happened
If I’d had that extra bit of courage
If I could’ve said those few extra words
But I didn’t, and that’s the reality

It doesn’t matter
What I could’ve done
It only matters what I actually did
And even though what I did didn’t matter
It doesn’t stop my imagination from running away

We’re two different people now
You don’t recognize me when I see you
It’s okay if that’s what it’s come too
Because that reveals more about me than you
It’s another lesson learned, another story to tell

3-28-10

You Use Me

2010-03-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

You use me for a smile
You use me for a laugh
You use me because I’m the only one
Who can take whatever you throw at me
Without a whimper or a tear

I am only someone
Who can see that smile
Who can feel that touch
Only when you feel like hurting someone
And no else is there but me

I’m forgotten the next morning
Just a useful target for your anger
I don’t see that look in your eyes
Until the next time the pain hits you
And you need someone to shed your feelings onto

I care about you too much
It doesn’t matter how much I’m used in this way
I’m happy just to be in your presence
But don’t believe for a second
That I don’t notice how you are able to throw me away

I don’t believe in love anymore
Anytime I get close
This is what ends up happening
I’m not capable of being anything other than a punching bag
But I do know when to quit

3-24-10

Solving a Puzzle

2010-03-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what to say
Whenever you’re around
It’s as if I go into a trance
I suppose it’s the clearest sign
Of something I’ve felt for a long time

I want to know you
I want to know how you see the world
And if there’s a part of the world
That has some place for me
There’s got to be something I can do

There’s no way I can express it
The words are never there
I’m trying to understand what I have to do
It’s like solving a puzzle
But maybe I’m just thinking to much

I just wish I could say the right things to you
And not come across as a silent fool
That’s not what you deserve
But I find my self afraid at what you’ll think
Why should I be afraid to let you know who I am?

You have this way of looking at me
That stops everything
You can freeze time by merely saying, “Hi!”
If I have to fight to the depths of Hell to get to you
Than that’s what I must do

3-24-10

Shapeshifter

2010-03-15T02:01:00.000-07:00

I wanna be
Everything you ever wanted
Even if that means sacrificing what I am
That’ll be okay
Just to see the smile on your face

I wanna be
The one who holds you
When you cry
The one who gets tearstains on his shirt
Just to ease your pain

There’s no limit to what I’ll do for you
I can be a shapeshifter
Be the clown one minute
And be the knight the next
I want to show you it’s true

I want to prove to you
There’s nothing about you
That you have to fear
I’m not perfect
But I can try to be for you

All you have to do is show me
That you care about me
And you’ll have me for all time
That’s all you have to do
I’m waiting on you

3-16-10

Anymore Than I Do

2010-03-14T03:09:00.000-07:00

There’s always something more
Something I could’ve said
Something I was suppose to say
But I couldn’t think of the words
Why can I think of them now?

You expect me to follow your story
You want me to believe a certain way
I don’t always know what to say
And when it does come out
It’s often not what I wanted to say

I know it’s about having fun
And enjoying each other’s presence
But I wish all of the others
Would just dissapear
And it would just be us

I can see that look in your eyes
It’s as forgiving as it is forgetful
You don’t know what to say
Anymore than I do
But you know exactly what I’m supposed to say

I want to read your mind
And predict what it is you’re thinking
And what I can say to make you laugh
But I still want to be my self
And I’m hoping that’s enough

3-14-10

All I Have to Offer

2010-03-14T01:42:00.000-08:00

There’s no way I can tell you
Of what I feel when your around
God has never given me the words
To describe what my heart does
When your eyes meet mine

There’s something that happens
When I feel your hand on mine
That triggers alarms
That causes my brain to overload
I wanna know why I feel like this

I’ve asked God to tell me something
About the direction I should go
All I ever get back is dissapointment
The road ends
And I’m holding my heart in my hands

I never seem to say the right thing
Even if I wanted too
There’s no telling what will happen
If I just try to tell the truth
But that’s all I have to offer

I want you to know
That you’re all I’ve ever wanted
But I want to know
Is there anything about me
That makes you feel the same?

I leave with more questions than answers
More doubt than confidence
I should’ve said more
But I couldn’t
Next time the words won’t fail me

3-14-10

Whenever You Are Near

2010-03-02T01:32:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what this means
All I know is I become a different person
Whenever you are near
And it’s something I’m becoming comfortable with
Because I forget about who I really am

When I’m around you
There’s another side of me that comes out
I no longer care what anybody thinks
Everybody could just disintegrate
And I wouldn’t notice

There’s no reason I should feel this way
I don’t know if there’s a future for me and you
But when I’m with you
The future doesn’t matter
All that matters is what I’m seeing in your eyes

All the time I’ve wasted on thinking about what to do
When it’s all been right there in front of me
It’s just finding the strength and the will
To find out if this is really true
And if God will finally lead me to you

I’ve been here before
Only to wake up from the dream the next morning
I don’t want to wake up this time
I want the dream to continue
And see if I wake up with you

3-2-09

Those Shining Moments

2010-02-20T11:28:00.000-08:00

There you are again
Another one to try and fool me
An easy smile and willing eyes
Trying to convince me
Of the way my heart starts to beat

No more of the willingness
To believe what I want to
No more of the wanting the impossible
Of the thoughts that trigger those dreams
Only to have it blow up in my face

I need to know something beyond
That precious smile I see
Those shining moments
When I forget about reality
Are you everything you appear to be?

I’m tired of wanting
But never being close
Of seeing the future in front of me
And being afraid to grasp it
I’m gonna see if you can take me out of this

Is this just another pointless game?
Are you playing with me
Or are you testing me out?
I want to know what you want
So I can pass the tests

2-20-09

Every Inch of My Soul

2010-02-20T11:27:00.001-08:00

You don’t know me
But I know you
I’ve seen your face a millon times
Either here
Or some place neither of us can remember

Your eyes becon me to join you
While every inch of my soul
Keeps screaming at me
You are not what you appear
And I struggle between which one to answer

I know to follow you
Is to walk down the path of the unsuspecteed
Wbile not to is to walk the path I know
Both have their advantages
But only one has the way I will grow

There might be poison on your lips
Or you might turn me to stone
I don’t care anymore
I’m willing to risk the pleasures of heaven
Or the depths of hell to feel your embrace

2-20-10

BackBoard

2010-02-13T03:28:00.000-08:00

I find my self captivated
A prisoner to your beauty
A sentence that would mean my death
And the death of everything I find important
No matter what that means to you

You find yourself worried
About what someone you pledged your life too
Finds now so hard to understand
You call him weird
But I call it a suspicious cirmcumstance

I was able to say the right words
When he wasn’t able too
Maybe that’s okay because that’s what you needed
But why was it necessary to use someone
Who took your words for the simplistic phrases you did not intend?

I have no reason to believe what you said
I am simply a back board, a dart board
For you to place the bullets, the darts of your anger
If that’s what you needed, I am happy to be that
But what the hell happens after that?

Am I just a backstop for your anger?
I will never cross that line
The line you set by saying those words
I am a friend
That’s as far as I am willing to go

2-13-10

The Depths of Hell

2010-02-13T03:15:00.000-08:00

There’s a beauty about you
The kind I find irresitable
But you still manage to raise
The red flags
That tells my over-taxed brain
To stop and take into account your deceptions

You appear to me
The goddess
The one who can save my tired soul
But the reality still cuts through
Like a light in the darkness
I see you for what you appear to be

The vampire of my dreams
Does not so easily decieve me
I’m able to see beyond your disguises’
But still your temptations exist
And it’s a feeling I’m so willing to taste

I want to know
What it’s like to feel your pain
To know what the depths of hell
Tastes like
So I can avoid them, but I’ve already been there

You present yourself
As a being of light, an angel of mercy
But all I see is he devil in your stare
That won’t make me see
Beyond your tricks and your deceptions

Your tricks are subtle
The easiness of your voice
The willingness of your gestures
Who knew that defying my father’s wish
Would be so damn easy!

I don’t want to give into you
You appeal to my worst instincts
You are the snake in my garden
I want to watch you shrivel
You are no match for the truth

2-13-10

One Fleeting Moment

2010-02-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

Lost in a sea of faces
Wading through a crowd
Sounds blaring and lights pulsing
I see your face
And everything changes

I see you through the crowd
A solitary face
Like looking through a tunnel
To see the light
But only to emerge into more darkness

I want to find out who you are
If only for the one fleeting moment
That one solitary meeting
That will leave the imprint on my imagination
Or leave me wanting more

We exchange a word
A kind phrase
A wordless flirt
I still don’t know who you are
And you know even less about me

This happens again and again
Watching and waiting
Hoping to find that nugget of gold
In the muddy river
But always drowning in the search

2-4-09

What Do You Want from Me?

2010-01-31T02:22:00.001-08:00

I’m staring at the darkening sky
Feeling the rain on my face
Wondering what my life has brought me here for
Why I’m feeling this way
Wondering why I can’t connect with you

Is there something about me
That makes you shut down
Or is there something about you
That makes my alarms go off

I don’t what it is
But that look I get in your eyes
Tells me to be cautious
That behind them lies a darkness
That no light can penetrate

What is it that you want from me?
I can be what ever it is that you need
I can be your best friend
I can be your punching bag
What I really am doesn’t matter any more

I want to know what it is though
Even if it’s dangerous
I want to feel the pain of dissapointment
Even if it’s that’s what it is
It would at least be better than nothing

1-31-09

Stab in the Dark

2010-01-31T02:13:00.000-08:00

I’ve been waiting
For longer than I care to remember
For something to tell me
This is where I belong
This is what I should be doing

Some of you tell me to pray for it
While others tell me it’s what my heart wants
You tell me it’s down this path
And still others tell me it’s down this one
When I know that both of you don’t even have a compass

We’re all on this shiny rock together
What makes you assume
That you have the answers?
That God has somehow singled you out
And left the rest of us to stab in the dark

It all seems so strange to me
So unfamiliar and alien
A casual observer
Watching you throw your lives away
While wanting to join in on the game

I’ve been on the outside for all my life
Watching the rest of you play the game
I don’t know what’s kept me from joining in
Maybe it’s because I don’t know the rules
Maybe it’s because I don’t want to know them

1-31-09

You Beautiful People

2010-01-24T01:11:00.000-08:00

Here I am
Watching the world spin
Beneath me
The world is spinning
Passing my by

Watching the actors pass in front of me
Like they know what line they have to say
Groups of the like-minded
Congregating around me
Like islands of madness

Wondering why life has left me this way
Watching these people float around me
A casual observer
To the madness
And not a reason to make me interfere

Look around you
And tell me
If those people really matter to you
Or are they simply playing their part
In the drama of your life

You beautiful people
Are the ones who damage me
I want to be a part of what I see
But I’m always on the outside
Grabbing onto the fence

Looking around now
It’s become evidently clear
That what you want to see
Is always short of what you want to get
I prefer what the truth gives to me

1-24-09

Learning to Breathe

2010-01-17T02:30:00.000-08:00

I know what it feels like
To be alone
I know what it feels like
To wake up alone
And not feel someones arms

I’m learning that it’s okay
To feel constantly on the outside
Of the madness that you see
Constantly flowing around you
While you keep your head above the water

I’m learning to breathe
Without the feeling of dissapointment
Watching the choices I make
Dissapear with the morning sun
And it’s okay to wake up like that

Maybe one day
I’ll find out what it’s like
To hear soft words whispered in my ear
To feel the bliss of someones arms
But, for now, I’ll have to feel them in my dreams

There are times
When I know
I should’ve turned left when I turned right
But I only know that
After I’m already down the road

I don’t know what God
Has in store for me
I really don’t want to know
But until then
I’ll accept what he gives me

1-17-09

Dance

2010-01-06T23:08:00.000-08:00

I still dream about you
Even though I know I shouldn’t
I keep seeing you
In my mind’s eye
And I can’t get rid of you

It feels like we’re dancing
Like two souls
On each other’s perimeters
You beckoning me to join you
Only to once again push me away

I don’t what it is about you
That I find so captivating
It can’t be that look in your eyes
There’s nothing to suggest a future
There isn’t even a present to deal with

We banter and talk
Like nothing I’ve ever experienced before
You don’t know what that does to me
And I can no longer tell you that
I’m gonna have to wait another eternity

Is this what my future holds?
Constantly running into a wall?
If this is what it’s supposed to be
Then let the wall fall on me
It would be a relief from the pain of never getting there

1-6-09